I don't like sitting still.
I like to move and do things.
Clean.
Garden.
Organize (really).
Plan.
Visit.
Be busy.
And now, this week, I've been spending a great deal of my time doing nothing. I can only sit up and stand for so long -- then I'm forced back onto my back unable to really move due to fairly unrelenting pain.
Last week was supposed to be my week of rest. Of doing nothing.
This was supposed to be my week of getting back on track. Deep cleaning. Planning. Being busy. You know, life.
I'm struggling with it. I suppose a great deal of it is due to the pain. Which, this morning, is not a whole lot better. The injection went surprisingly well -- they told me they rarely see people so calm on the table for their first time -- I know it was the prayers. And while I know that it takes a couple days for the pain to subside, I am noticing that the pain is starting to focus on my shoulder. While that's what they wanted to find out, it also scares me.
I might be forced into sitting still even longer.
I know there's a lesson in here and in this time. While I was on the plane, flying somewhere over Kentucky, while staring at the massive storm clouds displaying their lightening outside, I began to realize that in that moment my control in the scenario of life was out of my hands. I was in the plane. I had to depend on others -- the pilot and ground control -- to make the call on what was safe and doable. Every bone in my being wanted to just land that plane, and yet, I knew I didn't have that power. So instead, I resorted to praying and resting and seeking the beauty in that electrical display outside my window.
There's no massive storm out my window now, but I am being put in a place where I'm forced to wait to do the things that I wanted to do and the things I deemed so important. And redirect my focus. Finding joy in new things. In rest.
Sigh.
I know there's a lesson here. Good things. It's just a challenge to someone who spends her life thriving on being busy and keeping themselves "productive" -- all that stuff that I use to hide worry, and anxiety, and fears -- now that I don't have the physical means to be so busy those raw emotions are right on the table.
God knows. In Jeremiah 29:11 He assures us that He knows the plans He has for me. So I'll rest in that truth, that knowledge, and while resting learn to seek the joy in spending time in rest. In being open and vulnerable about my feelings. About being forced to seek Him first -- not the never ending list of to-do's -- and in that seeking rest in Him. In being okay with asking for help.
It's already taught me to be grateful even more. And has shown me how blessed I am with friends -- that I've met and in many of you -- who take time to help, to pray, and to offer an encouraging word.
I am so blessed.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. {Jeremiah 29:11}
