get out the steel wool -- it's 59 degrees

{photo - hannah nicole}

That's what we woke up to this morning.  Inside our home.  Outside? It was a balmy -6degrees making the 59 feel like a faux heatwave. Yet, judging from the little ones wrapped in blankets and wandering around complaining about the cold, you'd know we weren't very comfortable.

The furnace wasn't working. 

And we were cold.

Immediately I began praying.  We didn't have the budget room to fix the furnace -- life was complicated and busy -- and we were cold.

57 degrees.

It was dropping.  The windows were starting to get ice on them.  I ran into the garage and found a space heater from my hubby's days in construction.  My little blanket wrapped babes gathered around the heater as if it were a glorious roaring fire from days long past.

We worked quickly downstairs in our utility room. Phone calls made. More prayers. More distracting myself trying to get all those loads of laundry folded in case a repair man came -- even though I was praying so hard that one wouldn't come. Socks, and t-shirts, jeans, and sweaters. The piles became higher as my worry tried to creep in.

55 degrees.

Now it almost seemed imminent - a repair man would need to be called. We called a friend -- who owned a hvac company -- and he told us to clean a sensor.  Fear crept in as I saw the bolts being unscrewed. Panel after panel coming down each with bold warnings about not messing around with the furnace. I heard the electric screwdriver whizzing and felt my heart racing.

I needed faith.  I needed to trust that my husband would be safe. Out came the steel wool.  Scrub, scrape, scrub.  More prayers. And we'd wait. Again. And again. We'd start it up, and hear it stop. More scrubbing and scraping.  More prayers from me as the piles of folded laundry grew higher.

Then we heard it. The furnace kicked in. And stayed on.

62 degrees.

The temp was going up. The little ones huddled around the once-intriguing and warming space heater gradually dispersed throughout the home. Life began to regain its normal rhythm.

I had forgotten to be grateful for heat.

It wasn't till it was gone that I realized just how thankful I am for that two inch sensor plate in our furnace.  It didn't look that dirty -- it just looked like a layer of white dust was resting on it. Yet, it took minutes and minutes of firm scrubbing and scraping to remove the film that triggered our furnace to shut off.

Isn't that like life? We get so wrapped up in our agendas and start operating out of ourselves that we forget to clean our sensor plates -- instead of resting and relying on God.  It becomes this time of self - until we burn out. And then we remember.

68 degrees.

The sun is pouring in -- the house is warm.  The boys are running around without shirts pretending to be on an expedition.  The windows are clear, and the laundry that was folded out of desperation is all put away.  But, I don't forget. It could be so different now - we could have had to pay hundreds of dollars. Our house could still be cold. In the end we just needed to take care of that sensor.

Just like my heart.

Thanks, Lord, for reminding me to look at my heart and pulling out the steel wool -- the truth in you -- to clean and scrape it and remove the grime so that it could be buffed clean of earthly lies and once again focused on you.

Warm.

walking forward - steps for the new year

My daughter wrote a beautiful post regarding the new year.  She titled it dreams goals and hopes for the year - not resolutions.  Her list inspired me to create one of my own.

I want to laugh more

to play on the floor with my little ones

to listen to my teens tell me their dreams

to have an open shoulder for them to rest on

and a heart for their heart.

to drive without a phone

no calls, no incoming texts, no nothing

to drive focused

safe

wise

to make my husband coffee in the morning

to smile 

to look at him

 and not all that needs to be done.

to not be on the computer as soon as I get up

but rather be in the Word

truth

real life

I want to not worry what others think of me

to walk with confidence 

to love

to serve others

Let me be thankful

to not forget how blessed we are

to not lose sight of freedom.

Let me remember the past

learn from it

but not be bound to it.

Even when there are worries 

let me release them to the Father.

Am I not more important than the lillies in the field?

Let me be aware of time

that moments spent with my loved ones

trump time spent doing my own thing.

As the seasons pass may I be filled with hope

and joy

and wonder

and let me notice those around me.

Those hurting

or in need.

Those I love

and those I don't even know.

Let me see beyond me.

May I worship fully.

And pray without ceasing.

Whether it's doing the dishes

or folding laundry

or next to my children.

Let my eyes focus on my Savior.

Let me open my home.

And not worry about having everything perfect.

May my heart be one of warmth.

Inviting.

When I write let it be from the heart.

Real.

Funny.

Hopeful.

Intentional.

Authentic.

I don't want to stuff emotions under the surface.

(I've done that)

If I need to mourn

then I'll mourn.

If I need to laugh

then I'll laugh.

If I need to seek truth

then I'll be on my knees.

There are only 12 months.

365 days.

8,766 hours.

525,949 minutes.

31,556,926 seconds.

Time is precious.

Time moves fast.

Let me be awake.

Alive.

Grateful.

measureless love....some personal reflections

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Ephesians 3:14-19

my journal

I'm home.  And I'm refreshed...not physically, because seriously, who sleeps on a retreat?...mentally.  Beyond that, I'm challenged to confront some thoughts and beliefs that I have in my life.  Beliefs that hold me back, limit my effectiveness, and keep me from experiencing the truth of God's measureless love for me.

We live in a world where everything is quantifiable.  In fact, it is impossible for our minds to wrap themselves around something without limits...without an end...without parameters.  Yet, the Father loves us with infinite love.  That we, His children, attempt to define.  Beth Moore discussed how we are like measuring cups.  We fill ourselves up with either ourselves or with Him.  When it's not Him we tend to find externals and others that fill us.

Several years ago I heard a friend describe us as vacuums.  We either suck the life out of each other (imagine two vacuums connected...burn out) or get it completely from the Lord.  The analogy is powerful.  Life derived from the world or self simply results in anxiety, loss, fear, discontent and overwhelm.  So when Beth Moore asked us to journal about insecurities that we need to be free from it caused my mind to start pondering what holds me back.  What stops me?  What keeps me from being free?  And filled with Jesus?

It came down to the three phrases,

I'm not worth it.
I'm not good enough.
and
It's too late.

I took the pain and trials of my life and used them to define God.  I had somehow made an agreement in my mind that "if the Lord really loves me then He would take away these pains."  I took His love and made it measured . Instead of believing the truth of who He is I fell prey to thinking that I'm not worth fighting for.  Slowly these thoughts and agreements began to take root in my heart.  So deep that I no longer challenged the validity of the words. I just lived life feeling as if I was just a bit lost. 

letting go

Until Saturday morning. I wrote in my journal.  And I prayed.  I told the Lord that I was terrified to let go of these thoughts less I would be forgotten.  I was afraid to be lost.  Or not worth it.  And through it I gently began to surrender.  I began to realize that until I remove my labels on the Lord that I am not submitting to His power, His authority, and His truth.  I prayed for words for me.  I prayed that I wasn't the only one who felt alone or insignificant. And He gave me this verse:

O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, who is enthroned above the cherubim, you are the God, you alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth, you have made heaven and earth.  Incline your ear, O Lord, and hear.  Open your eyes, O Lord and see. 

(Isaiah 37:8)

My dear friends, these words are beautiful to me.  For years I'd been feeling as if the Lord didn't really hear me, and the lie I didn't matter crept into my being.  But I do.  Our powerful Lord hears me.  He wants to hear me.  Our Lord has my life, and yours, etched in the palm of His hand.  He knows me...He cares.  In that truth is freedom.  Freedom for me to write and to speak about His glory.  For years I've felt this calling to write and speak.  Yet, with all the clarity of knowing the task, I also knew it wasn't the right time.  I kept surrendering, waiting for His voice...to go...now is the time.  But, now, within the last weeks I keep hearing, "it's time."  Now, Lord?  And what?  Is it really time for this?  Or something else?  And if it is what do I write?  When will I speak?  What? Are you sure?  The details could overwhelm me, and yet I'm choosing to let them go.  He knows.  He created me and loves me more than I could imagine.  In that truth is the freedom to let go of my need for the details and to trust in His great plans.  So I'll write.  And listen for His truth and direction

truth

All these hard things.  I've defined my life to some extent by them.  I've measured God's love for me by them.  Those trials, the losses, the finances, the sickness they all can be used for His glory.  What could drive me to the ground can be redeemed.  He is always faithful, always true...and I desire to praise Him...and to proclaim the glories and wonders of our Lord. Alleluia and all honor to our King!

Blessings on your Sunday!

Happy Birthday dear Gracie...& Momentous Monday

my sweet Gracie born 4/12/01

Happy Birthday to you!

Where does time go?  It just seems like yesterday that my Grace Eva was born.  She's the third child of ours, and our third daughter.  What a joy she is to our family.  She's funny, smart, and oh...so creative.  And she's a spitfire.  I've got to tell you that I've discovered that if you have a child named Grace that you need to be blessed with an abundance of grace.  She's so determined, focused, and yet is tender, loving and oh-so-sweet.

Grace doing an experiment

It's a bit bittersweet having Gracie turn nine.  Sigh.  My girls are growing up.  Soon the cute braids and bows won't be desired as much.  I miss those little moments of little girls sometimes.  Oh, don't get me wrong...I love, love, love my four boys (who are all six and under)...but there is something tender and sweet about having a little girl in the house.  And, yes, I know nine isn't THAT old, but it FEELS old.  It feels like those days of young childhood are leaving and she'll be crossing into that threshold of her older sisters.  Those times where she'll crave being the little girl and yet at the same time want to be older.  Where she'll question if she should play with that toy...even though part of her really wants to...and the other thinks she's too old. Will she still love pink?  Or her Littlest Pet Shops? The finite days of young childhood seem to be racing in all too fast.

Grace with her sisters (2007)

I love my Grace.  Sometimes I forget just how special a gift she is for our family.  Birthdays are great reminders.  They smack you in the face with the importance of those around you that you love.  As I sit here I'm thinking of all the times where I was too short-tempered with Grace, or when I didn't really listen, or when I told her I'd play a game, or read a book, or did something...and didn't.  Tonight as I was working on the yard I was showing my husband places where it was worn bare.  Of course it was right in front of the swingset...nestled in between that and the garden and the steps from the deck.  My husband replied:

We're growing children...not grass.

Straight to the heart.  Truth.  Does it matter that our grass is matted there?  Absolutely not.  Does it matter that my children, our children enjoy the freedom to run and play in our yard.  Absolutely yes. So, once again, I need to refocus and refresh.

Grace's 6th birthday

So often it's easy to allow the people around us to be tainted with "build up."  You know...where we keep a record of wrong.  When we look at them and we don't allow them to move past the mistakes.  It's like we see them with a record of short-comings, or mistakes, or wrong-doings.  That lens needs to come off!  Our Savior has washed me, and you, white as snow.  All of my sins are forgiven through Him.  And yet, here I walk, forgetting to wipe the slates clean of my own daughter...or sons. I need to learn from their errors, but give them the grace that they deserve.  Our Father bestowed on us grace that we could never ever ever deserve.  I need to learn from Him...the truth.

Grace's art

Writing this makes me love her more.  And it fills me with such gratitude for her, and my six other children.  They are such blessings from the Lord.  It's all to easy to get overwhelmed with the nitty-gritty ins and outs of daily life.  Whether the dishes are done, or the laundry folded, or the yard watered, or socks put-away, or things dusted...and then miss out on the beauty and joy right before us.  Grace is growing up.   Too fast.  I need to slow down and soak in this gift of time that I've been blessed to have with her.  That's why I love birthdays.  They refocus my heart.  I see the truth and value of REAL importance again....the gift of time with these blessings from the Lord.  Use it wisely.

Happy 9th Birthday Grace Eva!

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I'm joining in on Momentous Monday today.  It's a wonderful way to remember those daily things that make life beautiful.  Well, of course I had to think of something that Grace did or said last week since today is her birthday. :)

I decorate the house for my kids the night before their birthday so that when they wake up it's quite festive.  I have had one friend laugh and tell me to just keep the decorations up since I've got birthdays all the time.  Well, anyways, last night before bed, Grace came to me and was trying to stay awake, you know getting water, asking a question, etc....so that she could peek at the decorations. After a bit I told her she needed to go to bed.  Then a couple minutes more I heard,

you know the streamers that you hang from the door?  Well, those are my favorites.  Just thought you'd want to know.

This morning?  A bunch of streamers hanging down from her door.  That's memories.

Grace's 7th birthday