reflections on strength

i sit in the chair
my head resting
my body tired
unable to sleep

my eyes are heavy
so so weary
and yet the pain
the pain keeps me awake.

i hear the laughter around
grace in the backyard
elijah bounding down the stairs
little samuel
so joyful

and i am determined

determined to look at them
see the world with their eyes
the beauty
and joy
and good

even in the midst of pain
because life, well life, is short
and i don't want to lose these days
even though it's harder
than days before

so I cling to those words of Paul
those words in Philippians
about being brought low and
abounding
and in all he could do it
because Christ gave him strength.

that is my prayer
praying for healing
but also for strength from our Savior
and in that strength patience
and laughter
and joy.

it's a season
there's a lesson
keep my eyes open to the good, Jesus.

even when it's hard

thank you for today
and my family
and life

thank you, Jesus, thank you.

day one

it's here

the beginning

of a new year

what will it bring?

I know life.

How can I expect it to not have

the ups and downs?

Ups and downs 

don't define

joy.

Or contentment.

"...for I have learned to be

content

in whatever

the circumstances."

Philippians 4:11b

How do you do this?

What is this type of contentment?

My word for this year?

Content.

My verse for this year?

Philippians 4:11

And this terrifies me.

I don't want the downs of the roller coaster.

I am not going to live in fear.

I am going to live thankful for each day.

Joyful.

Grateful for each moment.

Knowing that

there can be contentment

found in all things.

Dishes.

Teaching.

Driving.

Paying Bills.

Laughing.

Cleaning.

Reading.

Learning.

Doctor's visits.

Being a mom.

Planning.

Resting.

So this year

no matter what

I'm praying for contentment.

How about you? 

the ABC's of Thanks Link-up

<a href="http://justsomebeautiful.blogspot.com/2010/11/abcs-of-thanks-link-up.html"><img vspace="none" hspace="none" alt="Finding Joy | The ABC's of Thanks" src="http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt255/ElvishAuthoress/theabcsofthanks.png" align="center" /></a>Okay, as I was prepping for my Thanksgiving post I tried to imagine a creative way to list just some of the many things I'm grateful for.  As I pondered options my little Elijah kept singing the ABC's and next thing you know I made a list of ABC's attached with a couple thankful items.

Then Hannah and I talked and we decided to make it a link-up.  Well, I couldn't do it without her, since she made the button. :)

Anyways, here are my ABC'S of Thanks.  

a) angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream.  This is my favorite birthday cake.
b) Bible -- how easy it is to lose thanks for this gift. I am so grateful for God's Word.
c) coffee.  Any kind.
d) dinnertime with my family
e) energy -- really, really thankful for energy when I seem to have none.
f) family. My husband, Todd.  And my fabulous kids -- Hannah, Chloe, Grace, Brennan, Caleb, Elijah, and Samuel.
g) gardens -- where I can work the soil and see new life, new growth.
h) hugs from my little ones
i) instant coffee (sorry, couldn't resist, but sometimes it works out in the pinch)
j) joy.  This couldn't be my list without joy. (at first I listed jellybeans, but realized that joy had more impact and I realized that if I made the letter f finding it wouldn't make any sense until you got to j.  I think I might need some more instant coffee.)
k) knitting needles
l) listening friends, loving friends, loyal friends
m) my graphic designing daughter, Hannah, who made me my button. :)
n) new socks
o) optimism -- I've learned to look at the beauty and joy in life.
p) Philippians.  Anyone who reads this blog will know that I love, love, love to reference Philippians.
q) quietness (ha ha ha -- that's obvious)
r) remission.  Five years ago I didn't know if we would make it five years more.
s) summer vacations at the lake
t) Todd.  (want to hear something funny?  I couldn't think of anything for t -- besides Thai food -- and then Hannah says, I've got a super obvious one, mom.  Oh, yeah, that would be Todd.  My husband, second to Thai food.  I'm kidding.  He's awesome.)
u) USA.  It goes along with freedom.  We're blessed to live here -- we must not forget that.
v) vehicles to drive with -- especially ones that fit my whole family -- and they must have
w) windshield wipers
x) x-rays.  I know, seems obvious, but seriously, could you imagine if we didn't have them? As a mom I've been thankful for many x-rays.  Including the one that helped save Samuel.  See starstuck.
y) you all.  I am blessed beyond measure by the friendships made via the blogging world.  Blessed.
z) zoos -- which most days would be my home -- to which I am so grateful.

If you want to list your own ABC's of Thanks grab the button and link below.  I'm hoping you do -- as I'm kind of putting myself out there with this link-up-thingy.  So for all of you that link up, thank you, thank you, thank you!  Try to comment on a couple other blogger's lists -- and mention how thankful you are for them as well. The linky will be open till Saturday.  So you have time. I can't wait to read your lists! :)

Make sure to grab a button and include it in your post...and go ahead and write away.  I can't wait to read your answers for the letter x and z!

And feel free to comment with some thankful things -- I love the attitude of gratitude!

Have a Blessed and Grateful Thanksgiving my blogging friends!!

bruised, but still praising

These are the blog posts I hate to write. Those posts where the desire to be real means to be raw and hurting. That's this post. I'll also tell you that no matter what I will still praise my Jesus. He's all the matters, even though the stuff of this earth hurts. Deeply.

Long story short, I'd love some prayer. When Todd was ill we were out of work for about a year. And, just about one year prior to him being diagnosed with cancer he lost a great job. Across the country. Simply because the company decided to "restructure." Anyways, things got messed up. Terribly. It was so frustrating to be absolutely helpless as you saw everything crumble apart.

We're still dealing with some aftermath...again...I found it out this morning. And I am worn. So, so worn. My heart is so bruised and beat right now. I want to scream, "it's not fair." I want to qualify the Father's love. But I don't. This world is upside-down...not rightly ordered. This current situation is plain and simply wrong...yet, because the world is so messed up it continues. I don't have to sit in the mud (even though I want to at times). I'm standing up, holding my head high, and choosing to live with the strength that He gives me. Despite the hurt, and worry, and deep, deep fear. Those things I keep releasing to my King Jesus. He knows what we need, He will provide, He holds me and our family in His palm. And I ask Him to replace any anxiety with His peace. And joy.

So I ask for prayer. I hate having to humble myself. That pride creeps in... The good thing about really hard times? They shift your priorities into order. Things that seemed so important 24 hours ago now drift to the sidelines. Now smack in the center of my life, once again, is the need to look first to Jesus. First. And to praise Him no matter what.

Not that I have already obtained all of this,
or have already been made perfect,
but I press on to take hold
of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
I do not consider myself
yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal
to win the prize for which God has called
me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14

Those verses are my life verses. God is faithful, and He is good, and He loves me and my family no matter what this world tries to throw at us. And I will praise Him always.

I'll post a more normal post tomorrow. I just needed to write this...I needed to be faithful.

the bobby pin that broke...

...the momma's back.

Well, not really, but almost.  (and between us...this post almost threw me over the edge...I went to hit publish and literally the entire thing vanished.  So this is round 2.  I am determined.)

You know those days?  Those days when you need a blogger to be real and transparent about how life isn't perfect?  Well, I had one of those days.  It was a day where I wanted to pull every single hair off of my head...by noon.  It was a day where the littlest thing seemed to push me over the edge.  

You see we give our kids off the day for their birthday.  It's kind of a way to honor them.  It's relaxing, they can play, laugh, and enjoy each other's company.  Yet, it has it's drawbacks.  The normal routine is out the window, and typically by the end of the day our moods are, well, shall we say fraying a bit?  Except that this day...it happened much earlier.

This wouldn't be so bad, except that yesterday, when I was in the need to get the lawn together mood...see my husband's comment "we're growing kids...not grass."...I decided it was time for the season's first application of weed and feed fertilizer.  That's great!  Green grass!  No weeds!

No kids on the grass.  On the day off.  With limited structure. Ouch.

Apparently yesterday I didn't equate the consequences of having a birthday day off and not allowing my young, active, and loveable boys access to our yard.  Our greening yard, I might add. ;)

our yard...someday

So the day progressively got a bit more tense.  Chaos was beginning to take over, along with the words, "it's not fair," being shouted from various corners of my residence.  I tried to read.  Fail.  I tried to play a game with them.  Fail.  I tried projects.  Fail.  Putting them down for a nap.  Fail.  I needed to get my mood back on track.  Ok. Organizing and getting rid of a laundry basket of toys.  Fail.  The fighting continued.  The grumbling.  The sneaking of food.  Spilling of raisin bran over the kitchen floor that had already been swept six times today.  I was going a bit crazy.

So I pack them up to take Gracie to ballet.  (Grace's little bun was so quickly put together, with little hairs poking out...mirroring my day.)  Now, while we may cut back on our home birthday day obligations, I do keep all outside commitments.  So we started on our way.  And,  I am not joking, within a block of my home massive LOUD yelling began in the Suburban.  Screaming.  Crying.  Pleading.  Over what?

A bobby pin.

My husband heard the noise via my cell phone and told me to pull over and stop until it stopped.  So I did.  I drove that suburban right into the Dairy Queen parking lot.  And we sat there.  The poor patrons must have had quite a sight when they saw that Suburban full of kids with yelling pouring from the creases.  Then Grace looked at the clock, saw that it was 5:37, realized that she would be late and got quiet. I asked them if they were done and they both replied, "yes."  Then I asked them why they were fighting over a bobby pin and Brennan (my six year old) replied

Well, Grace said she needed it for her hair, and I needed it as a tiny sword.

Sigh. All that noise and tension for a 4 cents metal object?

OK.  Truth.  I pulled out of the Dairy Queen parking lot and continued to ballet.  I thought.  I calmed down.  And I prayed.  And I began to gain a bit of perspective.  You see...I had been doing the entire day on my own strength.  It was just me.  It was me who decorated, who wrapped the presents, who cooked, who cleaned, who did yard work, who called the doctor, etc... and I was getting a little bit resentful.  Well, it became all about ME. Me, me, me.  And that, quite obviously, just does NOT work.  At all.  It became a day of relying on my own strength.  And trust me, with my allergies, and a six month-old baby there isn't much extra energy tucked in there.

Grace (center) at ballet

I never stopped to listen.  To pray.  To give my day to the Lord.  I just plowed right into it thinking I could do it. And I couldn't.  I wanted to throw in the towel at lunch time.  And when you're a mom you really can't throw in the towel.  So I became frustrated.  And crabby.  And looking for solutions to soothe my grumbling self.  It wasn't until I surrendered that I began to see the truth.  The truth that I needed to stop focusing on me, and focus on HIM.  Only then did I begin to see and feel the joy again.

We picked up some pizza for Grace and a little cake while she was at dance.  I kept the kids with me in the truck and the littles fell asleep.  Brennan listened to some Greek Mythology cds with Chloe.  And I rested.  Later, when Grace was home I took her sweet face in my hands and told her how blessed I am to be her mom, and how much she means to me, and how honored I am to walk this road of life with her.  Then we ate pizza, and played her new game. We laughed.  I even took Elijah out of his bed so that he could eat birthday cake with us when Dad got home.  And you know what?  It was good.  It was really good.  When I try to carry the loads of life - mom, wife, bills, house, yard, school, errands,etc...- all by myself I'll fail.  When I live with Jesus by my side, with Him giving me strength...then I win.  Bobby pin or not.

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12b-13