4 weeks

"Hear my prayer Lord, listen to my cry for help."

4 weeks ago I was on the phone with my dear friend Amy.

We were talking about Sam.

My sweet Samuel.

She kept telling me that something wasn't right.

I was trying hard to agree

but I was nervous.

I had seen him fading.

Getting weaker and falling.

Paler and paler.

I tried to explain it away.

(But that was just fear.)

Deep down I knew something was wrong as well.

I just needed to hear it

from someone other than me.

From my angel friend, Amy.

(Amy you saved my Sam - thank you)

I knew in my heart he was sick.

She asked to call her father-in-law

a pediatrician.

I told her okay.

Hung up the phone.

And waited.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you."

My heart raced.

Palms sweaty.

Then she calls back.

"Rach....Rach...Rach"

(I could hear the sorrow in her voice.)

"something is not right with Sam."

I scratched words on my paper

hearts and doodles

smeared with dropping tears.

Her father-in-law, the pediatrician, knew.

He referred us to Samuel's new pediatrician.

Amy immediately calls her.

She tells her that Samuel needs to go 

not to the clinic

but to the Children's Hospital.

"When?" I ask.

(my heart now pounding in fear.)

Then I hear, "within the next 24 hours."

4 weeks ago.

That was what I was hearing right now.

4 weeks.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Would I have known how hard I had to fight?

How I would deal with nurses who believed?

And doctors who doubted?

Would I have known the tests?

The tears I fought back as I smiled and prayed and 

looked into his tired face?

Would I have known I would hold him as they put him to sleep?

Feeling his worn body press deep into mine?

(Would I have known the tears that could fall?)

Would I have know how brave Samuel was?

Or how completely exhausted and worn his body was?

(Why did it take so long for them to listen?)

Did I know the strength I would have?

To stay up night after night?

With no sleep?

It wasn't from me.

It was from the Lord.

"I can do all things through him who gives me strength."

And now, here I sit, 4 weeks later.

Still in the journey.

Still praying for healing.

But, it's different now.

Those beginning moments of fear

Of walking into an ER and praying they'd listen.

That's gone.

Now, I fight a new battle.

A battle for strength and growth for Samuel.

Of praying for nutrients to absorb.

It's a battle trying to figure out the whys.

What made him get so sick? What triggered Celiac Disease?

Medically why?

It's a battle against my own fear.

Trusting.

Letting go and believing.

Every day I wake up and wonder

if Samuel will be healthy.

I don't take the morning for granted.

"His mercies are new every morning."

I am not alone.

I have my family.

My friends.

I have prayers from you

(and I am so grateful)

and many others.

As the time ticks by

and I see him play

my heart relaxes, joyful for health.

Who would have known what 

4 weeks would bring?

4 weeks.

"He is mighty to save."

in our family

:: we call peanut butter and jelly sandwiches PGJ's.  Thanks to a 3 year old who didn't say B.

:: we decorate the kitchen the night before a birthday so that the birthday person wakes up to a celebration.

Brennan and Grace - November 2006

:: we hang the number of streamers as the age on the birthday family member's door.

:: we never seem to be caught up on laundry.

:: we constantly are telling little one's to be careful when shutting doors.

:: we homeschool -- in our kitchen.

:: we have science experiments on my kitchen window sill and on the counters.

:: we've homeschooled for ten years.

:: we have Nerf basketball hoop on our family room door.

:: we no longer have the basketball.

:: we go through an entire box of Clementine Oranges in one day.

:: yes, one day.

:: we have a rotating chart for kitchen duties.

:: we love art.

:: we have a massive garage sale in the spring.

:: we have to move many many many bikes from the garage and put them on the front porch.

:: we can be goofy.  Just slightly. :)

:: we have a Keurig coffee maker that has been used every single day since it's purchase.

:: we have a birthday to celebrate  8 months out of the year.

:: everyone has their own birthday month except for Samuel and Caleb -- they share September.

:: Samuel was due in October.  If he had been born then we'd all have our own month.

Samuel in October 2009 - 2 weeks old

:: we have the kids exchange names for Christmas

:: we forgot to do that this year.

:: we love watching The Food Network

:: we really really really listen to our kids.

:: we believe parenting is a great responsibility -- one that must be covered in prayer.

:: we take our kids out for one on one time

:: we garden.

:: okay, I garden, but my family reaps the rewards.  Who doesn't like fresh peas? Or tomatoes?

:: we work together

:: we love being with our children.

:: we love samples at Costco

:: we can easily fill the back of the truck with food for the week.

:: we eat lots of fruit. Remember the Clementines?

:: we go to the lake in the summer with my family.  Every year since I was eight.

that's our dock -- sigh

:: we use big blocks of time at the dentist. Or eye doctor.  All done at once!

:: we provide lots of business for medical professionals.

Brennan before his tonsil surgery

:: we love to play Fruit Ninja on Chloe's Ipod Touch

:: we, okay that's me, wishes for an Ipad.

:: yes, my word is content.  I'm working on it.

:: we are thankful for Saturdays.

:: we share.

:: we believe that family is a gift. 

old fam pic -- 2007 -- 2 weeks before Elijah was born

*************

How about you?

What are some of your -- in our family -- lines?

Ancient Egypt in photos

Ancient Egypt was an ancient civilization in eastern North Africa, concentrated along the lower reaches of the Nile River in what is now the modern nation of Egypt. The civilization began around 3150 BC with the political unification of Upper and Lower Egypt under the first pharaoh, and it developed over the next three millennia. Its history occurred in a series of stable periods, known as

day one

it's here

the beginning

of a new year

what will it bring?

I know life.

How can I expect it to not have

the ups and downs?

Ups and downs 

don't define

joy.

Or contentment.

"...for I have learned to be

content

in whatever

the circumstances."

Philippians 4:11b

How do you do this?

What is this type of contentment?

My word for this year?

Content.

My verse for this year?

Philippians 4:11

And this terrifies me.

I don't want the downs of the roller coaster.

I am not going to live in fear.

I am going to live thankful for each day.

Joyful.

Grateful for each moment.

Knowing that

there can be contentment

found in all things.

Dishes.

Teaching.

Driving.

Paying Bills.

Laughing.

Cleaning.

Reading.

Learning.

Doctor's visits.

Being a mom.

Planning.

Resting.

So this year

no matter what

I'm praying for contentment.

How about you? 

the milestone

It's been 5 years.  Five years ago, our family was led on a journey I never envisioned I would walk.  Or, perhaps, I didn't believe that I would be forced down this trail so young in my life.

It was five years ago that Todd told me he needed to go to the doctor.

When your husband wakes you at 2:30 in the morning and whispers those words to you -- you listen.  You wake up, even though there is a 6 week old baby sleeping next to you.  You don't care that you'll be exhausted. You listen.  And I did.  As I did I heard the fear in his voice.  The worry.  The unknown.

And I was afraid.

I remember walking numbly into our computer room at our old house -- it was then 4 am -- and searching on google for diagnosis.  Symptoms.  The more I looked the more fear crept into my heart.  So I tried to sleep, but there was no peace for my heart.

When I called the doctors in the morning everyone dismissed us.  But, I knew.  I knew Todd had cancer.  I knew it at 2:31 am on the night he told me.  I knew.  But, I still had to fight.  Doctors didn't believe he was sick.  We didn't fit the statistics.  Time kept passing and passing and passing.  Drugs and ultrasounds and more doctors.  Till finally, on December 19, 2005, at 9:48 in the morning, I was told that my husband had cancer.

I could have told them I knew that for almost 2 months.

But, I didn't.  I nodded and thanked the doctor.  He asked me if I needed a chaplain to come up to the 3rd floor surgical consult room.  I gazed out the window, at the light snow falling, and told him I was okay.  Even though I was afraid.

How could I walk this road?  I was 30 years old (there--now you all know my age).  I wasn't to journey this way till we were older.  Where would I ever find the strength to walk this path.  I wanted to scream that I felt that this was so unfair.  First we lost a job.  Then he gets cancer?  I was angry.  And numb.  And tired.

God knew.

He knew I would be beat.  He knew.  And as I walked the painful journey of sickness -- seeing my soulmate so weak that he needed help walking from the bed to the couch -- I was not alone.  My friends rallied around me.  Money came from unexpected places.  Meals were prepared.  My sister sat with me while Todd had ct scans the day before Christmas.  I felt loved.  Even in the darkest of times.

So as the five year anniversary comes closer and closer I am unsure how to feel and how to define our family.  Sometimes I wrestle with even talking about cancer -- and thinking of us as survivors -- because I deal with guilt -- because there are many other families whose outcomes were awful.  I never know when to talk about it, or write about it, or think about it.

But, truthfully, cancer is part of my story.

For the next six weeks or so, you might hear a bit about that story. You see, it is because of cancer, and walking a road of utter dependence upon God, that I am who I am today.  That path shifted my thinking -- about life, about God, and about truth.  It became less about me, and more about Him.  Those are the things I think I'll share.  Finally.  I've kept so much inside, and prayed about it, and now I think it's time to write.

That's me.  Rachel, wife of a cancer survivor.

I am so so grateful for five years.

that's us -- one year after the diagnosis
December 2006

Top 10 Biggest Volcanic Eruptions in History

The recent eruptions of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland were a stark reminder of nature’s ability to bring human activity to an abrupt standstill. The cloud of smoke that drifted over Western Europe made aviation travel untenable, returning European skies to a quietude not felt for decades. Yet, while the effects of the eruption were frustrating for would-be travellers, they paled in

a bit of history.....and intentionality

Blogging creates intentionality in my life. I set aside time to write. I set aside time to play. And to work. And to write. To get the stuff in my head out. To be REAL.

my keyboard

Somehow in the scheme of life I find myself aware of the joy and beauty around me more when I write. It's as if knowing that I get to write frees my eyes to see the abundance of joy. It's funny because I certainly have lived a life that has many, many hard roads. Roads that were dark and ominous...roads of cancer, roads of financial woes, and roads of self-doubt. Yet the Lord was faithful, even in those difficult times. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I remember feeling so incredibly close to our Lord. Those around me couldn't understand the peace that filled me, a peace I attributed only to Him above. During those times, moments where I didn't know the future, I began to see life, to see everyday, differently. As a gift.

It's easy to race through life missing the beautiful moments. How many times do we think or say, "when this happens I'll be happy." or "I'll play with you guys in just a little bit." or "If I only had this...insert anything...then I could be the best"  And we lament over what we don't have or should be doing. I know. I was there. I still battle that. However, the Lord so gently led me down this road of surrender. And on that road I began to see beauty. In the ordinary, everyday moments of life.

You know the moments.

A warm cup of coffee in hand. An infant snuggled to your chest. Fresh rain leaving trails down the driveway. A toddler singing "Jesus loves me." The sound of a piano playing. Family.

coffee

When my husband was sick I began to journal online. It started with  our caringbridge site with just simple updates. As the weeks passed it began to become a journal of faith. Everything was grey and cloudy. We had no idea how we would end up, how we would survive. And here we are. Four years later. And with two little boys who we were told could never be. One of them is that sweet Samuel from the previous post. And the other? My Elijah...aka as Moochie Man. He is a blessing, victory over cancer. The Lord is good.

my moochie man

So blogging has become a lifestyle. I took a break for a bit because I needed to figure out why I was blogging. Was it for me? To be popular? To get followers? I needed to understand. And I think I do now. Yes, it's great and uplifting to have followers, but more than that I've come to realize that if my words, my realness, gives hope or joy to one other person then it was time well spent.  And, honestly, many times it helps me.  It allows me to look at life differently...with a different and fresh lens.  Blogging is a blessing to me. I process all the stuff inside and write it down. Vulnerably. And then I'm not bogged down with thoughts. I become free to live.

The best part? God. When I blog I feel more connected to Him. I search the the Scriptures. I'm more in tune with the abundance of gifts and beauty around me. Finding Joy became my title when I was in the midst of massive crisis. I was determined to live alive to Him despite the lies of the world and the oppressive reality surrounding me. And God was good. He surprised me with the extraordinary joy found in living a life intentionally for Him. I am so excited about resparking (is that I word? Because if not I think it should be. It's soooo cool) my blogging journey. I've seen the blessings blogging has given our family. From my own blog to the blog of my daughter Hannah at Aspire . It's neat. And I thank each of you for joining once again on my journey. It's truly a gift to share with you a bit about me.  And in return, I get to learn some of your journey.  As we walk this road of life there are ups and downs.  I know.  What better way to journey than with friends.

Samuel and me

(thank you to my daughter Hannah for all these fabulous pictures)