For four years I've blogged. Sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, and many other times with months in-between. Journaling online has been a therapeutic journey of healing for me. It began with a caringbridge site where I simply posted updates of my husbands cancer treatment. What started out so tiny blossomed into a very vulnerable releasing of emotions and led to a journey of belief. And as I wrote, people followed. Perhaps it's the realness, the rawness? But ultimately, it's been good for me. I've learned to let down my guard, to challenge my thoughts, and to proclaim boldly the love and belief I have in our Lord.
But today, my decision to restart my blogging venture is because I was challenged by my husband to release the pain of the past, to be joyful in the present, and to truly believe in the future. 2010 is a milestone. Not only a new year, but a new decade. There's so many wonderful events waiting to unfold in the years to come. But, also, sprinkled in, times of sorrow, struggle and hardship. And I know that. I've lived in the shadows of the pits. I've lived not knowing where the next dollar is coming from. I've lived sitting in a hospital lobby while my husband is undergoing surgery for cancer. I've lived. And, I believe.
What do I believe? I believe that God is good. That I, an undeserving soul, will spend eternity in heaven because Jesus, sweet Jesus, gave His life for me on the cross. I believe God loves me despite every single flaw that blemishes me. And this year I believe that my decision to I believe means letting go of the years of trials....not feeling regrets for all the things that I wish I had done. Today I need to take those scars and allow the Lord to work through me. To redeem and restore me. Those times of failures in the past don't need to define. They don't need to remain as permanent notes plastered over my identity. No. Instead, our gracious Lord, can take those ugly marks and restore them into something beautiful.
You see, my friends, I've been a bit stuck. I've been lamenting everything I didn't do and allowing that to rob me of the joy of today. And in that my I believe of the future was growing dim. Believing takes energy, work...commitment.
Every year I pray and ask the Lord for a verse that our family will pray for the entire year. This year, the verse came to me while I was driving south on I94 past Cabelas. I was in a sour mood. I was mourning all that was wrong at the moment. The future was looking dim. I was bitter. And this is the verse that I so clearly heard was THE verse:
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth
and I will fill it.
(Psalm 81:10)
My mood quickly shifted. The first statement in that verse is a fact. I am the Lord. And your God. Well, you see, my friends, I've been describing this past year as a year of wandering in the desert. And I'd compare it to the 40 years the Israelites wandered before entering the Promised Land. I didn't know what to do, or where to go, and I'd find myself grumbling about the years that I felt were wasted prior. And then I read this verse. He's my God. He redeemed me, brought me out of that desolate place, that pit. How could I have forgotten that? Where did my belief go?
It was all too easy to slough off, to get caught in the nitty-gritty unimportant details of this world and forget the beauty right before my very face. You know...the laughter of my Elijah as he makes his newborn brother, Samuel, smile. Or the endearing gesture of love Brennan, my six year old, demonstrated when he heard me coughing and got a "special" glass of water for me. I was missing it. I was so caught up in my own world of loss that I began to lose the present. I was believing that my future was going to mirror the past. I needed to refocus my gaze forward, not back.
When Todd was sick I prayed that the Lord would use my voice for His glory. Right now, and through this blog, I desire to bring glory to Him. By choosing to document the I Believe moments of my life I am, in essence, aiming to honor Him. He is my Savior. He has held my hand when I grumbled, or lost faith, or looked away. The Lord is faithful, and has blessed me beyond measure. So I will open my mouth....I will wait...I will believe.
