tumbling

It's time to be real.  To pull back the masks and write about life.  Reality.

That sometimes it's hard.

You know, those days, right?  Or weeks?  Or months?  Those times when it feels as if you're racing and yet your legs are burning and the finish line isn't even visible?

That's where I am now.  Not all the time, but I've been struggling with overwhelm.  Too much to do.  Perfectionism.  That desire to have things "just perfect"  creates discontent.  Plain and simple.  If the house isn't how I want it, then somehow I've given myself selfish permission to be crabby -- snippy -- short-tempered.  Instead of working with joy entitlement slowly crept into my demeanor.

What to do?

I'm trying to find the balance -- the tension in joy.

So I keep on trying to praise, to be thankful. I'm not perfect, not at all. I've got my moments where the overwhelm of daily life tries to pin me down. So beyond praising I've had to fight.  I've had to fight myself, my selfish desires, and view life from a global picture. And to honestly realize that it will be hard. Sometimes I feed myself these lies that everything can be just easy if I had this, or my house looked liked this, or simply because I deserved it. Nope. Being a mom and a wife is work. Hard work.

I've been thinking only of me.

And all that me think makes me fall over.  Tumbling.

So today, I will pick myself up, and start again.

With joy.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 
Psalm 51:12

letting go of this

You need this.

Buy this.

If you have this product your life will be a breeze.

This curriculum will make your kids smart.

This van will make driving easy.

This is how your kids need to behave.

This is how you need to look.

This is the church you need to go to.

If you would follow this simple program you can be happy.

This is how your lawn should look.

You let your kids watch this on television?

This day is only successful if you get all this done.

Lost your temper?  This day is not worth redeeming.

This is your response?  You don't have patience.

This is success.

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What is this? My inbox, my mail, and my mind are cluttered with these notions of things that I don't have and things that I seem to need. I read the catalogs of homeschool rescources and gradually begin to think that what I have is not enough. That I'm missing out. That my kids are missing out. I look at the food in the organic section, read articles on gmos, and get stressed over the food. I walk through the fitness aisle at Target and feel guilt when I see the numerous dvds on working out.

I start to feel as if I fail.

No longer am I content. Instead my mind races from this to this to this -- spinning itself into a flurry of anxiety. I want the cycle to stop. Yet, the world and all it's labels wants to scream fail deep into my spirit.

How to let it go? How to say NO when it's all around.

It's not of me. Well, it is -- in the choice to seek my identity first in Christ. But, honestly blogging, it's so hard. It's difficul to be content when I focus on what I don't have.  My mind seems to be looking for all the this things that I don't have.  And gradually, I've been finding myself filled with anxiety.

Yesterday, as I was driving to the homeschool store I realized (again) how I was living by emotion -- driven by all the  jargon of the world.  My hands were gripping the wheel, and I missed out on the beautiful country side.  My heart raced, as my thoughts scrambled.

I wasn't living in peace.  I was living in the world.  Jesus said,

Peace I give to you.

He gives it.  A gift.  I was ignoring His peace and living on the world's peace.  And, friends, there is no peace if the world is your platform.  I know.  So I write about it.  Again.  Because, truly, living by the Spirit isn't a one time decision.  It's daily.  Hourly.

Right now?  I'm struggling.  But, I'm trying.  And part of trying, for me, is writing about it.  And being real that I struggle with this.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

(John 14:27)

fighting against

Tonight I was weary.  Worn.  The older girls were at ballet, Samuel was fussy -- cutting top teeth, things weren't working, and I allowed myself to be crabby.  And I knew it.  The worldly side of me enjoyed snapping and moaning and being sullen.  Somehow I felt gain.  Only for a while. Temporary. Then the reality of my mood began to permeate my soul.  Here I had just written about choices and path, and I allowed myself to venture down this path of self.

I was measuring myself.  Against what I thought I should be.  Against what I thought I deserved to have.  Against the model in the magazine.  Against what I thought the ideal homeschool mom was like. Against the lawn several doors down.  Against all those moms who are caught up on their laundry.  Against those who can just buy what they need.  Against, against, against.  In those moments my contentment vanished. Instead all I could think of was against -- and how I didn't measure up.

Jesus said, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35
 
When I evaluate my worth against the world then I fail. I am simply hungry to fit in -- to not be against.  When I filter my worth through Christ then I am no longer hungry for the world's approval.  And then -- only then -- will my outer mood reflect the true contentment in my heart.

Tonight, as I write this post, I am content.  My kids are in bed.  My home isn't spotless.  My laundry still needs to be folded.  My bills need to be paid.  My family is loved.   My heart is at peace.  That contentment? Only found from Him -- the bread of life -- Jesus.

ramblings

This week has gone nothing like I've imagined.

I'm trying to figure out so many things.

Yet, sometimes I feel frozen, trapped, in a crazy life that's moving all too fast. A life that I love, that I'm grateful for...where I wish I had time...time to plan, to focus, to goal set.  Yet, I'm busy from the moment I'm up till my exhausted head touches my pillow.

How to get it all done?  How do I ensure all the academics are completed?  How do I regain focus?  Intentionality.  And what does that mean?  Thinking back about my some honesty post about my homeschool style, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what my day should look like.  Right now, it's too lax...not enough accomplished.  I try to make excuses...it was the truck...I didn't get enough sleep...we've got other projects...but, day after day of this makes me feel anxiety-ridden.  And then like I'm failing.  There needs to be some happy-medium.

an apple for mom

But more than that, I need to not define myself based on external outcomes.  I'm constantly telling my kids that they are not their emotions.  They may feel an emotion, like anger, sadness, happiness, yet they, at the core are not that emotion.  So here I sit defining myself based on an emotion.  It's so hard to step back when it feels so personal.  Yet, I know that it needs to be done.

How many times do I throw in the towel at 1pm because the day didn't go right?  Probably way too many.  Instead of being black and white about this, I'm learning to extend grace to myself.  That's right...to me.  I am notoriously hard on myself.  I push and push and push. I want things just right.  Yet I write about freedom, and grace, and being real.  To be real is to admit that I struggle with keeping everything running, all the ducks in a row.  There are times, like today, when I'm tired.  The fight seems to keep going.  Dragging. But I still fight.  I write.  And I see the need to continue pressing forward.  Without defining the struggle as a fail.  Instead it's part of the journey. Every day may not look the same, but as long as there's movement, there's progress.  And truly, movement on some days may simply be a hug.

Brennan's Rainbow

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Ok.  I took this picture of Brennan outside today.  It made me laugh!  His new thing is to get in the wagon and pretend that he's in a boat sailing across the sea.  Or in this case...with him rowing across the sea, I mean grass.

"Sailing along"