Tonight I was weary. Worn. The older girls were at ballet, Samuel was fussy -- cutting top teeth, things weren't working, and I allowed myself to be crabby. And I knew it. The worldly side of me enjoyed snapping and moaning and being sullen. Somehow I felt gain. Only for a while. Temporary. Then the reality of my mood began to permeate my soul. Here I had just written about choices and path, and I allowed myself to venture down this path of self.
I was measuring myself. Against what I thought I should be. Against what I thought I deserved to have. Against the model in the magazine. Against what I thought the ideal homeschool mom was like. Against the lawn several doors down. Against all those moms who are caught up on their laundry. Against those who can just buy what they need. Against, against, against. In those moments my contentment vanished. Instead all I could think of was against -- and how I didn't measure up.
Jesus said, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35
When I evaluate my worth against the world then I fail. I am simply hungry to fit in -- to not be against. When I filter my worth through Christ then I am no longer hungry for the world's approval. And then -- only then -- will my outer mood reflect the true contentment in my heart.
Tonight, as I write this post, I am content. My kids are in bed. My home isn't spotless. My laundry still needs to be folded. My bills need to be paid. My family is loved. My heart is at peace. That contentment? Only found from Him -- the bread of life -- Jesus.
