I'm trying to figure out so many things.
Yet, sometimes I feel frozen, trapped, in a crazy life that's moving all too fast. A life that I love, that I'm grateful for...where I wish I had time...time to plan, to focus, to goal set. Yet, I'm busy from the moment I'm up till my exhausted head touches my pillow.
How to get it all done? How do I ensure all the academics are completed? How do I regain focus? Intentionality. And what does that mean? Thinking back about my some honesty post about my homeschool style, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what my day should look like. Right now, it's too lax...not enough accomplished. I try to make excuses...it was the truck...I didn't get enough sleep...we've got other projects...but, day after day of this makes me feel anxiety-ridden. And then like I'm failing. There needs to be some happy-medium.
an apple for mom
But more than that, I need to not define myself based on external outcomes. I'm constantly telling my kids that they are not their emotions. They may feel an emotion, like anger, sadness, happiness, yet they, at the core are not that emotion. So here I sit defining myself based on an emotion. It's so hard to step back when it feels so personal. Yet, I know that it needs to be done.How many times do I throw in the towel at 1pm because the day didn't go right? Probably way too many. Instead of being black and white about this, I'm learning to extend grace to myself. That's right...to me. I am notoriously hard on myself. I push and push and push. I want things just right. Yet I write about freedom, and grace, and being real. To be real is to admit that I struggle with keeping everything running, all the ducks in a row. There are times, like today, when I'm tired. The fight seems to keep going. Dragging. But I still fight. I write. And I see the need to continue pressing forward. Without defining the struggle as a fail. Instead it's part of the journey. Every day may not look the same, but as long as there's movement, there's progress. And truly, movement on some days may simply be a hug.
Brennan's Rainbow
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Ok. I took this picture of Brennan outside today. It made me laugh! His new thing is to get in the wagon and pretend that he's in a boat sailing across the sea. Or in this case...with him rowing across the sea, I mean grass.
