For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19
my journal
I'm home. And I'm refreshed...not physically, because seriously, who sleeps on a retreat?...mentally. Beyond that, I'm challenged to confront some thoughts and beliefs that I have in my life. Beliefs that hold me back, limit my effectiveness, and keep me from experiencing the truth of God's measureless love for me.We live in a world where everything is quantifiable. In fact, it is impossible for our minds to wrap themselves around something without limits...without an end...without parameters. Yet, the Father loves us with infinite love. That we, His children, attempt to define. Beth Moore discussed how we are like measuring cups. We fill ourselves up with either ourselves or with Him. When it's not Him we tend to find externals and others that fill us.
Several years ago I heard a friend describe us as vacuums. We either suck the life out of each other (imagine two vacuums connected...burn out) or get it completely from the Lord. The analogy is powerful. Life derived from the world or self simply results in anxiety, loss, fear, discontent and overwhelm. So when Beth Moore asked us to journal about insecurities that we need to be free from it caused my mind to start pondering what holds me back. What stops me? What keeps me from being free? And filled with Jesus?
It came down to the three phrases,
I'm not worth it.
I'm not good enough.
and
It's too late.
I took the pain and trials of my life and used them to define God. I had somehow made an agreement in my mind that "if the Lord really loves me then He would take away these pains." I took His love and made it measured . Instead of believing the truth of who He is I fell prey to thinking that I'm not worth fighting for. Slowly these thoughts and agreements began to take root in my heart. So deep that I no longer challenged the validity of the words. I just lived life feeling as if I was just a bit lost.
letting go
Until Saturday morning. I wrote in my journal. And I prayed. I told the Lord that I was terrified to let go of these thoughts less I would be forgotten. I was afraid to be lost. Or not worth it. And through it I gently began to surrender. I began to realize that until I remove my labels on the Lord that I am not submitting to His power, His authority, and His truth. I prayed for words for me. I prayed that I wasn't the only one who felt alone or insignificant. And He gave me this verse:O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, who is enthroned above the cherubim, you are the God, you alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth, you have made heaven and earth. Incline your ear, O Lord, and hear. Open your eyes, O Lord and see.
(Isaiah 37:8)
My dear friends, these words are beautiful to me. For years I'd been feeling as if the Lord didn't really hear me, and the lie I didn't matter crept into my being. But I do. Our powerful Lord hears me. He wants to hear me. Our Lord has my life, and yours, etched in the palm of His hand. He knows me...He cares. In that truth is freedom. Freedom for me to write and to speak about His glory. For years I've felt this calling to write and speak. Yet, with all the clarity of knowing the task, I also knew it wasn't the right time. I kept surrendering, waiting for His voice...to go...now is the time. But, now, within the last weeks I keep hearing, "it's time." Now, Lord? And what? Is it really time for this? Or something else? And if it is what do I write? When will I speak? What? Are you sure? The details could overwhelm me, and yet I'm choosing to let them go. He knows. He created me and loves me more than I could imagine. In that truth is the freedom to let go of my need for the details and to trust in His great plans. So I'll write. And listen for His truth and direction
truth
All these hard things. I've defined my life to some extent by them. I've measured God's love for me by them. Those trials, the losses, the finances, the sickness they all can be used for His glory. What could drive me to the ground can be redeemed. He is always faithful, always true...and I desire to praise Him...and to proclaim the glories and wonders of our Lord. Alleluia and all honor to our King!Blessings on your Sunday!
