walking forward - steps for the new year

My daughter wrote a beautiful post regarding the new year.  She titled it dreams goals and hopes for the year - not resolutions.  Her list inspired me to create one of my own.

I want to laugh more

to play on the floor with my little ones

to listen to my teens tell me their dreams

to have an open shoulder for them to rest on

and a heart for their heart.

to drive without a phone

no calls, no incoming texts, no nothing

to drive focused

safe

wise

to make my husband coffee in the morning

to smile 

to look at him

 and not all that needs to be done.

to not be on the computer as soon as I get up

but rather be in the Word

truth

real life

I want to not worry what others think of me

to walk with confidence 

to love

to serve others

Let me be thankful

to not forget how blessed we are

to not lose sight of freedom.

Let me remember the past

learn from it

but not be bound to it.

Even when there are worries 

let me release them to the Father.

Am I not more important than the lillies in the field?

Let me be aware of time

that moments spent with my loved ones

trump time spent doing my own thing.

As the seasons pass may I be filled with hope

and joy

and wonder

and let me notice those around me.

Those hurting

or in need.

Those I love

and those I don't even know.

Let me see beyond me.

May I worship fully.

And pray without ceasing.

Whether it's doing the dishes

or folding laundry

or next to my children.

Let my eyes focus on my Savior.

Let me open my home.

And not worry about having everything perfect.

May my heart be one of warmth.

Inviting.

When I write let it be from the heart.

Real.

Funny.

Hopeful.

Intentional.

Authentic.

I don't want to stuff emotions under the surface.

(I've done that)

If I need to mourn

then I'll mourn.

If I need to laugh

then I'll laugh.

If I need to seek truth

then I'll be on my knees.

There are only 12 months.

365 days.

8,766 hours.

525,949 minutes.

31,556,926 seconds.

Time is precious.

Time moves fast.

Let me be awake.

Alive.

Grateful.

look (at my) age (and give) thanks

Look

Can you believe this design?  I've longed for a fresher look -- one with photos of those I hold dear.  With seven children and one amazing husband I knew it would be a bit of a task to make it look cohesive.  Well, a challenge for me, but not for my html loving blog-designing daughter, Hannah.  She whipped up this new look for finding joy this afternoon.  In about an hour.  Love her. She, however, laughed heartily when I asked her how long it would take for a nav-bar.  I asked her at 11:57 pm.   At least I knew what a nav-bar was, right?
(Interested in her blog? Check out - Aspire)

Age

No, I am not going to be revealing my age today.  (I might for a coffee gift card)  Anyways, I've begun to realize that I am aging.  Getting old(er).  The irony is that I feel really, really, really young sometimes.  It doesn't seem possible for me to be aging -- I'm okay with it -- but the reality that I'm not a young spring chick anymore is becoming more obvious.

Like when I shake my head at the preteens/teens milling around the gas station.  Seriously?  The Super America is the only place to hang out on a Friday night?  I also felt older when I passed my reflection in the mirrors scattered throughout Target.  And, honestly, it might be because I'm passing mirrors in the grown-up section of clothes.  Not juniors.  That's where you'll find my oldest daughters -- Hannah and Chloe. I will still only buy cute clothes.  Approved by those older daughters. :)

I'm okay with aging.  Really.

I need to go find that verse in the Bible about gray hair being a crown of splendor.  I don't have any --- yet.  But, I can guarantee you that there'll be a blog post on that day.

Thanks

Today I was featured on 5 Minutes for Faith.  It's quite the honor, and I'm grateful.  I'd love for you to check it out -- they republished an article I wrote here on finding joy earlier this summer.  It's one of my faves -- giving thanks, changing perspective, and priorities.  Who would have imagined that I would ever write about that?  Seriously -- I am grateful for blogging, for the friendships that I've made, and the encouragement you've provided.  Thank you!


Hoping that your Saturday is blessed.

what i've been doing

First, I was asked to be a guest poster on Lizzy's blog.  Her blog?  Living on Literary Lane.  I posted a post that I wrote on the "classic" finding joy -- love that term classic --a couple years ago on homeschoolblogger.  Anyways, see that picture below?  That's me.  The one on the left.  In a boat.  And my hair is not standing straight up. (Wondering about that?  Scroll on down to Monday's Miscellany post with a picture of my Mowahk.  Truly)

Want to read the whole post?  It's about faith, and who we let steer our life.  Click over to

Living on Literary Lane.

to read more.

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That's not all I've been doing.  And you were thinking this would be a short, easy-to-comment-to post (and you know I love your comments), but nope.  I've also been a slave to the computer.  Yep.  I'm listing homeschool books on Ebay.  Now, facebook friends, I know you've seen these pictures already.  Listing books? that takes work. Here's why:

books, books, books -- oh my!

and, of course, I need to put in a picture of my helper, Samuel.  (this is for you Carissa!)

Anyone want any homeschool books?  Back to ebay.  And coffee. And sweet Samuel. :)


Maybe I should do a give-away with some of these books.  That would be way more fun. 

The Cancer Diary

There are certain books in your life that can close yet still remain on your shelf.  By sitting on the shelf they have the potential to be opened at any time.  But I don’t need to be staring at The Cancer Diary, reading it daily. It’s been a little over four years since my husband finished treatment for cancer.  Four years filled with awesome gifts and devastating lows.  Not only does cancer affect health, but it trickles into every facet of one’s life.

Relationships.  Finances. Friendships.  Family.  Time. Faith.

Todd - 2 years before diagnosis

Every headache, stomach ache, lump or pain raises flags in my mind.  How can it not?  Especially when I have our oncology doctor’s number in my cell phone file.  Even last year, a simple nodule on the back of my husband’s neck caused the medical community to move at lightening speed.  Instead of waiting weeks to watch it and see multiple doctors, my husband saw a surgeon within 24 hours of bringing the lump to his oncologist’s attention.  And it was completely biopsied with path reports within another 24 hours.  No longer is my husband’s medical complaints ever considered minor.  He is, in fact, flagged for life.  “You’ve had cancer?” they ask, and then move his chart to the priority slot.

I don’t want to live worried about headaches and pains.  There’s no freedom in that mindset.  So I’ve chosen to adopt this book mentality with regards to cancer.  When I need to know I can open the book.  I know exactly where we stopped so there’s no worry in losing my spot.  But I don’t need to live with it staring me in the face.  And that involves faith, and trust, and casting those worries elsewhere.

On the Lord.  Daily.

I’m writing about cancer today because when I write it brings healing.  It’s a part of who I am now.  I can’t go through Caribou Coffee during Breast Cancer awareness month and not feel compelled to buy Amy’s Blend, or donate, or share some of my story.  When I wear my Livestrong bracelet I want to share my story.  And likewise, if I see someone wear one I am not afraid to start a conversation.  In fact, there probably is not one week that goes by where m story doesn't come out. When I read about others’ journies via the blogworld my heart aches for the trials and rejoices for the victories. My heart seems to be tuned in to hear that two syllable word...cancer.

family - 2 years after diagnosis

As the wife of a cancer survivor I’ve learned that I can be strong, and brave, and that I can feel deeply.  It became so apparent to me that I was masking the pains and hurts in my life when Todd was sick.  Instead of clinging to all the facades I had no choice but to let every one of my “I’ve got it all together” masks shatter at our Savior’s feet.  In letting go, I began to find my voice, and I began to write.  And in writing it gives me freedom.  Freedom to admit that my life is messy, that I struggle, that I hurt, and that I rejoice.  Tucked in all of those honest moments is a heart that continually strives to seek and bring glory to our King, our Savior.

Thank you to all who read my blog.  Your comments are sweet and motivating.  It’s an interesting thing, this blogging.  My heart is put on the line many times…and yet I still come back, still write, still seek joy.  Through it all I can boldly state that the Lord is good in all times….So again thank you.  Will all my posts be like this?  Nope.  But there’ll be some because in remembering and writing there’s healing.  Healing and freedom.

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If you know of any bloggers out there going through a journey with health will you let me know?  I’d love to comment, to offer encouragement, and to lend an ear.  I have been blessed throughout the years by various friends found through my blogging world.  To all of you:  Thank you.

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One last thing.  Would you keep my sweet Samuel, the cutie from the paper or plastic pictures from yesterday, in your prayers?  He's got a fever today...and I'm sure he'll be fine...but, I always value and appreciate prayer.

Samuel - yesterday

measureless love....some personal reflections

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Ephesians 3:14-19

my journal

I'm home.  And I'm refreshed...not physically, because seriously, who sleeps on a retreat?...mentally.  Beyond that, I'm challenged to confront some thoughts and beliefs that I have in my life.  Beliefs that hold me back, limit my effectiveness, and keep me from experiencing the truth of God's measureless love for me.

We live in a world where everything is quantifiable.  In fact, it is impossible for our minds to wrap themselves around something without limits...without an end...without parameters.  Yet, the Father loves us with infinite love.  That we, His children, attempt to define.  Beth Moore discussed how we are like measuring cups.  We fill ourselves up with either ourselves or with Him.  When it's not Him we tend to find externals and others that fill us.

Several years ago I heard a friend describe us as vacuums.  We either suck the life out of each other (imagine two vacuums connected...burn out) or get it completely from the Lord.  The analogy is powerful.  Life derived from the world or self simply results in anxiety, loss, fear, discontent and overwhelm.  So when Beth Moore asked us to journal about insecurities that we need to be free from it caused my mind to start pondering what holds me back.  What stops me?  What keeps me from being free?  And filled with Jesus?

It came down to the three phrases,

I'm not worth it.
I'm not good enough.
and
It's too late.

I took the pain and trials of my life and used them to define God.  I had somehow made an agreement in my mind that "if the Lord really loves me then He would take away these pains."  I took His love and made it measured . Instead of believing the truth of who He is I fell prey to thinking that I'm not worth fighting for.  Slowly these thoughts and agreements began to take root in my heart.  So deep that I no longer challenged the validity of the words. I just lived life feeling as if I was just a bit lost. 

letting go

Until Saturday morning. I wrote in my journal.  And I prayed.  I told the Lord that I was terrified to let go of these thoughts less I would be forgotten.  I was afraid to be lost.  Or not worth it.  And through it I gently began to surrender.  I began to realize that until I remove my labels on the Lord that I am not submitting to His power, His authority, and His truth.  I prayed for words for me.  I prayed that I wasn't the only one who felt alone or insignificant. And He gave me this verse:

O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, who is enthroned above the cherubim, you are the God, you alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth, you have made heaven and earth.  Incline your ear, O Lord, and hear.  Open your eyes, O Lord and see. 

(Isaiah 37:8)

My dear friends, these words are beautiful to me.  For years I'd been feeling as if the Lord didn't really hear me, and the lie I didn't matter crept into my being.  But I do.  Our powerful Lord hears me.  He wants to hear me.  Our Lord has my life, and yours, etched in the palm of His hand.  He knows me...He cares.  In that truth is freedom.  Freedom for me to write and to speak about His glory.  For years I've felt this calling to write and speak.  Yet, with all the clarity of knowing the task, I also knew it wasn't the right time.  I kept surrendering, waiting for His voice...to go...now is the time.  But, now, within the last weeks I keep hearing, "it's time."  Now, Lord?  And what?  Is it really time for this?  Or something else?  And if it is what do I write?  When will I speak?  What? Are you sure?  The details could overwhelm me, and yet I'm choosing to let them go.  He knows.  He created me and loves me more than I could imagine.  In that truth is the freedom to let go of my need for the details and to trust in His great plans.  So I'll write.  And listen for His truth and direction

truth

All these hard things.  I've defined my life to some extent by them.  I've measured God's love for me by them.  Those trials, the losses, the finances, the sickness they all can be used for His glory.  What could drive me to the ground can be redeemed.  He is always faithful, always true...and I desire to praise Him...and to proclaim the glories and wonders of our Lord. Alleluia and all honor to our King!

Blessings on your Sunday!