Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts

what i never thought i'd learn to love

 {my parents back yard and garden to the side}

I can still hear it. My dad calling from the top of the stairs, leaning over the metal railing, asking me to go down to the garden and pick beans. I'd inwardly groan, and do that eleven year old super-clever trick of hard of hearing, and go back to my book.

I knew it was temporary.

Within minutes I'd hear him ask again, and yet this time, there was more force. I knew I was busted. I'd throw my book to the side, dog-earring the page, and would look for my old garden flip flops. Those beat up, pink and yellow sandals, with the strap that seemed to consistently fall off.

{i still love these stairs}

I'd grab the paper sack that my dad left by the door, throw my hair in a sloppy eleven year old best you can do pony-tail, lope down the faded blue-stained deck stairs and wander down the hill to the garden. Where my dad was waiting. We'd nod and smile and I'd set to work for the next hour plucking long green tendrils into my bag.

By the end of the day I was happy. Happy to have worked side by side with my dad -- even though, back then, I would never have admitted it.

********** 

{my little garden area}

I can hear it. The kids are calling for me, leaning over the dark mocha stained deck rail, asking when the beans would be ready. I look around at the tomatoes I just planted -- looking at the rows of beans just plunked into the earthy soil -- and knew that within weeks we'd be harvesting our first bags of beans.

The silence was temporary.

Within minutes several eager little faces wandered down the deck stairs, across the sidewalk, and began to lean by the garden watching me work. "Mom?" Elijah would ask, "Mom, when are those seeds goina be beans?" I look up, brushing my face with my muddied hands, and tell him that it would be soon. We just need water and sun.

He looks around and next thing I know I see him trying to drag our no-kink hose down to my gardening square. "For the beans, momma," he tells me. I look at his sweet face and nod and smile. I set back to work planting herbs, and celery, and tomatoes. All grown by my dad. Waiting for me. For my garden.

{a tomato, started by my dad in late February, for me}

I am so grateful for my dad needing me -- wanting me -- to help him in the garden when I was young. His love for gardening his passed down to me which I hope passes down to my kids. There is solitude and peace that can be found in working the soil. In the shovels of dirt, the weeds pulled, and the excitement as new green shoots push upward. It's a haven from the rush and crazy schedule and technology driven world.

{some of my herbs -- labels handwritten by my dad}

Peaceful. And, I'll admit it, I love it.

(my friend Amy, at Raising Arrow's, wrote a wonderful post about herb gardening. Make sure to hop by and read it as well)

Do you garden? What's your favorite thing to grow?

And, by the way, I still don't have the biopsy results for Samuel. As soon as I get them I'll update. Thank you for continuing to pray.

~rachel

loving his kitty -- sweet nostalgia

There are mothering moments that melt my heart.

Completely.


Samuel has this little toy kitty cat 
{it's actually a beanie baby - remember that craze?}
that was Hannah and Chloe's when they were young.


He loves that kitty.
He carries it with him.
He feeds his kitty.


{I think he loves it because he had it with him for many of his doctor's appointments}

There is something endearing about seeing him tote that kitty around the house.

And if you could hear his -- meow -- it would melt your heart too.


I know someday I'll be nostalgic for these moments captured.

Oh, I love that sweet Samuel of mine.

Thank you, Jesus, for two months of health. Thank you.


Have your own nostalgic picture?
Then  click on the one word wednesday button below and link up.


One Word Wednesday at Aspire

goodbye lights, ornaments, and 2010

 
Yesterday I took the Christmas tree down.  That thing probably could have been up for a couple more weeks -- it was still drinking water and the needles were barely falling off.  Yet, it was totally time for me to remove it from the house. We needed space.  But, more than that, I like to start the new year without the Christmas stuff up and the house clean.


There is beautiful closure found in taking down the tree.


As I put away each ornament and pulled down the strands of light I began to ponder next year. I wondered what my life would be like when I unwrapped the strands of light.  I thought about life changes, and challenges and growth.What will life be like the next time I touch these lights? How will things change? How will they be the same?


Ornaments and decorations are interesting.  You pack them up at the end of the year only to unpack them at the almost end of the following year.  Year after year they are pulled out.  There is a beautiful nostalgia in this tradition.


As I pondered the future I also remembered this year.

Samuel 
Your first birthday. How grateful I am that emergency doctors and surgeons recognized that you needed help when you swallowed that sequin star.  We are so blessed by you in our lives.


Elijah
Your voice.  You started the year as a 2 1/2 year old who talked just a bit, and now as the year closes, you talk a blue-streak.  You are hilarious. And full of spunk. And feisty.  And such a gift.


 
Caleb
What can I say?  You are my hero. This year you started to read.  You are deeply caring.  Not a day goes by where I don't hear from you, "love you mom." You have a beautiful heart, my son.


Brennan
Super strong man.  With a heart for God.  You made me so proud when you were in your Pirate Musical.  Watching you on stage filled my heart with joy.  You are a reader, and a helper, and the leader of the band of brothers. And you look so awesome missing those front teeth. :)

Grace
My ballet princess.  You are so beautiful.  This year you dove into ballet -- and the result is exquisite.  You help me out so much.  I am blessed by your company and am so grateful to be your mom.

Chloe
This is my last year with you before you turn 13.  It seems like I just looked into your beautiful blue eyes when you were born.  And now, you're just about as tall as me.  Your heart is so tender, so pure, so focused on the Lord.  Thank you for reminding me how beautiful it is to be real.

Hannah
My oldest.  I have seen you start the year with an interest in photography which has now shifted to a passion for photography.  You capture our lives with every click.  Thank you for living your life for Christ.  Your faithfulness encourages me in my own daily walk.

Todd
My faithful husband.  This year marked five years since you were diagnosed with cancer.  These years have been hard -- ripple effects from being out of work for months due to cancer -- and yet despite the difficulties they have been beautiful.  Full of gifts, and hope, and a future.  I love you.


So now the 2010 tree is outside plopped in the snow. This journey, this Christmas, is coming to a close. Tomorrow marks a new year. New challenges. New joys.   Life keeps moving.  Time flies by.  I want to live.  Alive. Aware.  And grateful.

"For I know the plans I have for you,"
 declares the Lord, 
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 
plans to give you a hope and a future."
 Jeremiah 29:11

the important stuff

It's not all about the presents, right?
At least that's what I keep telling myself.
The stuff doesn't matter. The stuff doesn't matter. The stuff doesn't matter.

The stuff doesn't matter.

And, yet, here I am nine days before Christmas without having bought one present.

Not one.

And, honestly, I'm starting to panic.  To fear that this Christmas won't be good, won't measure up, won't be worth it. That my kids will be unhappy, that I'll fail Christmas, and that this Christmas will always be the one they talk about with "remember when?"


When the budgets really tight, and your husband is in the early stages of a new business, extra money for Christmas is scarce.  I know there will be some....just not yet.  And, for me, the planner, the one who loves to order all those on-line amazing deals, who pores over the mass of catalogs that stuff my mailbox daily, this is proving to be a true test of character.  In fact, just several days ago, I let the tension of not having the stuff get to me.

I was negative. And crabby. And not looking at Christmas right.

I wanted stuff.

It's hard.  Society tends to define happiness by stuff.  It can be extremely uncomfortable to find contentment and peace when life doesn't fit society's pre-determined mold. I've had to surrender my ideas of what a perfect Christmas should be.  In fact, the Lord has been showing me just how blessed I am -- without needing the stuff -- and redirecting my attention on family, friends, health, and those in need. In need of what I forgot that I have.

We have a home. My husband is in remission. My children are healthy. We have food. Vehicles. Clothes. Opportunity. Freedom. Toys. Friends.  We have stuff.  I just forgot.

Today, we'll pull out the glue sticks, paper, and crayons and make some homemade ornaments for grandparents.  I'll package cookies and handmade cards for friends. As far as gifts for my kiddos?  We'll get them.  Maybe it won't be as neatly tied and organized as I'd like, and that's okay. Christmas isn't about that stuff. Really.

I'm content in waiting.
And grateful for my Savior's birth.  Truly grateful.

That's the stuff that truly matters.

i need more cookies! (the link-up)

I'm serious.  Completely serious.

{Caleb and I on our cookie making day}
This is the one time of year where I go all out baking cookies.  Come January it'll be whole-wheat wraps stuffed with spinach and light chicken.  Ha ha ha.  Okay, just regular chicken.  But, you know what I mean -- the diet shifts after that new calendar gets slapped onto the wall.  Until then??  I've got some time to try some new cookies. And I'm looking for some recipes.

I'm starting an online cookie recipe exchange link-up. Here are the details.  Post or link to a post with your cookie recipe or cooking making day (you can always add a recipe to a previous post...) Add your link to the linky below.  Then, to make it fun, blog hop to three other blogs and take a peek at their recipes.  And comment.  Because you know, we all love comments. :)

Oh, yeah, and add this button/banner that my Hannah made to your post. (how could you not? it's so cool and festive and that's my cherry-chocolate kisses cookie on the left looking yummy.)


finding joy | Christmas Cookie Recipe Swap

Sound fun?  I can't wait to read your recipe and your story to go with it. So start baking.  Now.

And, yes, if I could have figured out a REAL cookie exchange I would have.  Trust me.



********
I was interviewed by Mrs. Claus on the blog Like Christmas Every Single Day.  Sandi is such a sweetie, and asked me the most interesting questions.  If you'd like to read more of my "interview" click here. And make sure to check out her very festive blog!

Thanks, Mrs. Claus!  It was fun.....do you know any cookie recipes?

i remember

I know you're out there.

You're the one whose heart aches with each post about Christmas.

Where walking through the store is a challenge.

Your life is messy, or scary, or confusing.

You feel alone.

It's hard now, at Christmas, isn't it?

When the world, and bloggers, seem to have beautifully packaged lives.  Pictures and recipes and gifts and laughter and happiness.

Inside you feel sad.

Why doesn't anyone notice?  Why does it have to be so hard?

Why now?

Why at Christmas?

Don't people know?  Don't they know that it's hard to do Christmas when life is so hard?

Do they see?

I do.

I know.

I remember.

I remember walking through Target, with eyes brimming with tears, wishing someone knew that the only reason I was there was to try to find blackberries for the nausea for my husband that was caused by pain-meds from cancer surgery.  I remember feeling sad and angry and bitter when I saw the carts bursting with goodies -- like I wasn't a part of the grand celebration.

I remember.

I relied on God greatly during that Christmas.  God blessed me with a strength I didn't know I had.  A strength to push that cart through Target and to say thank you to the cashier -- and not cry.  At least not every time.

I remember thinking about all the hidden others, masked behind their lives, carrying loads.  Burdens.

I remember.

Will you remember?

That perhaps that mom that is a bit shorter with her kids, or you, or the cashier, might just have a husband at home sick?

That there are many others who would love to fill a cart with food at Target?

That people, and friends, are way more important than things?

That there is a tomorrow.  There is hope.

There is joy.

Even when life is hard?

I remember.

memory strands


4 hours.
2 daughters
27 degrees and dropping
3 pairs of gloves 
6 extension cords
100's of twinkling white lights
1 glorious cup of coffee
3 red Rubbermaid Totes with green lids. 
7 thrown away strands
and
1 me


Why?  Why do I spend an entire afternoon stringing (and throwing -- while hoping it catches on a lone branch) Christmas lights outside? It's not for me.  Well, that's kind of not true -- some of it is for me.  I do love the peace and silence -- once my body goes numb with cold.  I love the beauty when I'm done. I do love the laughter with the girls.  And I love having lights outside -- it's so festive -- the lights twinkling against the sparkling snow.


I put lights up for my kids.

It's about memories. Tradition.  Sentiment. Excitement. Joy.


My little ones will stand in the living room and stare out the window in wonder as strand after strand lights up the yard. (Just a tidbit of info -- I only use strands of lights -- no blowups, plastic things, signs, etc -- just simple strands.  There are probably over 2000 lights out there.) With each light that goes up you can see the excitement rise.  My little Elijah excitedly exclaimed --  it's Christmas outside! -- as his little eyes glowed with glee as he watched me work.


My kids start asking in October if I'll put lights up.  How could I not?  Do I regret that day, the time outside?  Not in the least.  Someday my sweet little ones, and not so little anymore, will be grown.  And they will remember.


They'll remember the lights.
They'll remember their mom outside weaving the lights on bushes.

They'll realize how much I love them.


Because I really do.   Christmas is not about the stuff.  It's about Jesus. And family. And traditions. And memories. One little light at a time.

(love the pics?  They're all taken by my daughter - Hannah - who you can find here.)

appreciating the old

Several days ago, I looked around my house and started to get irritated.  The couch from when we got married is still in our living room.  There's an old wing chair -- it was my grandparents.  Permanent black marker scratches are on my dining room table. There are shoes all over the entry way.  And dishes waiting to be washed in the sink. There are walls to be painted, and a floor that just needs to be swept.

But-

That worn couch that I so want to replace - has memories.  Laughter and tears. Each worn thread not only shows signs of wear, but of family.  Of hours spent reading to my kids.  Or hours snuggling little babies to sleep.  It shows victory - there was a time when Todd was too sick from radiation treatment that he couldn't get off the couch - and now he comes and goes as he pleases.  There's contentment and rest -- good and bad -- life found there resting on those worn cushions.

newborn Sam sleeping on me


Oh - funny couch.  Held up with weights.   Just those weights are a memory.  Of moving and living in San Diego (they broke off in this move).  Of improvising.  Of still working on things even though they are broken.  There's the pillow where the seam broke where I attempted to stitch it together.  Then the memories of finding the stuffing in the boys room -- it was their "best" day ever.  At least that's what they told me.

Brennan and Caleb


Someday, I'll replace that couch.  It will probably be soon -- I'm ready to upgrade.  But, honestly, you know I'll miss it.  Not only because I was okay with plopping myself on it and cuddling a little guy who just ran around outside, but because that couch,  that couch holds memories.  And those things have to be earned - one broken leg, ripped seam, spilled coffee, thrown pillow and squished seat at a time.

Elijah being made into a pillow sandwich




It's easy to look at everything and see what we don't like -- sometimes there is much more work in seeing the benefits.  How about you?  What do you need to look at with fresh eyes?

my new fave

Do you know what I love about having a photographer in the house?

Moments captured in pictures.

-- Like this one --

My Samuel and me

I don't know what it is, that Hannah caught.  I love the look of surprise on Samuel's face coupled with the remnants of cinnamon bread.  My favorite part? That Samuel grasps my hand even while I hold him.  There's beauty and happiness wrapped in the simplicity of holding hands.

Can't tell that I love him, can you?

(or that I have many, many, many freckles.....)

I know I've written about being thankful a great deal lately.  The posture of my heart yearns to be filled with gratitude -- not overwhelm, or anxiety, or want.  Somehow when I look at this moment captured in time I'm reminded, once again, of the blessings in my lap.  It's all too easy to lose the beauty in motherhood and children, and sometimes it takes a simple, yet beautiful, black and white picture to bring back the clarity.

(If you'd love to link up to Lovely Photo Wednesday, head on over to Hannah's blog -Aspire- and join in.)

I'm grateful.  So grateful.



Lovely Photo - Wordless or Not-So-Wordless Wednesday at Aspire

what i've been doing

First, I was asked to be a guest poster on Lizzy's blog.  Her blog?  Living on Literary Lane.  I posted a post that I wrote on the "classic" finding joy -- love that term classic --a couple years ago on homeschoolblogger.  Anyways, see that picture below?  That's me.  The one on the left.  In a boat.  And my hair is not standing straight up. (Wondering about that?  Scroll on down to Monday's Miscellany post with a picture of my Mowahk.  Truly)

Want to read the whole post?  It's about faith, and who we let steer our life.  Click over to
to read more.


___________________________

That's not all I've been doing.  And you were thinking this would be a short, easy-to-comment-to post (and you know I love your comments), but nope.  I've also been a slave to the computer.  Yep.  I'm listing homeschool books on Ebay.  Now, facebook friends, I know you've seen these pictures already.  Listing books? that takes work. Here's why:


books, books, books -- oh my!


and, of course, I need to put in a picture of my helper, Samuel.  (this is for you Carissa!)



Anyone want any homeschool books?  Back to ebay.  And coffee. And sweet Samuel. :)


Maybe I should do a give-away with some of these books.  That would be way more fun. 

milestone days

New Years.  Birthdays.  Christmas.

Milestone days.  But, for me, the date that has the most milestone moments is our annual trip to the lake.  Last week.  Our week at the lake is the break in my year, the week where I analyze the year before and I look forward to the year to come.  It's a time where I reflect on what I wish I had done and plan to do better.  It's where I rejoice -- over the birth of Samuel, over my children, over life.  It's where I remember.

Milestones.

The stones above I've wandered over every year.  They mark the path between my cabin and my parents.  I probably walk them a hundred times the week that I'm at the lake.  I love looking at those rocks beneath my feet.  I know that next year, when we return, those same stones will be there mixed with new stones from farther down the path.  Perhaps not in the same order, but still there.  In the same way, when we return, there will be new stories and chapters in my life. New milestones.

Life is a like a collection of stones.  Some memories beautiful, some jagged and raw, some buried deep, and some events drifting to the side.  Woven together they form an exquisite and unique path -- a life.

Memories.

those last minutes

I'm sitting in those last minutes.

The last minutes before my home erupts in frantic excitement, anticipation, and crazy work.  Today's the first day of our annual trip to the lake.  The lake -- where I've gone since I was eight.  Where it's more about memories then agendas.

And right now, my family is still sleeping.

I know that once the first one wakes it will be like dominoes falling -- one racing to tell another -- who will hear the others -- who will run around excited and want to share.  I love that one of my fondest childhood memories is now one of my childrens' favorite memories.  There's beauty in that bond.

So, I might not be around as much the next week. I'll be resting, and laughing, and playing games, and fishing, and swimming, and eating, and being joyful.  This trip?  My fave. 

Have a fabulous Fourth of July, my blogging friends!

view from our cabin

feeling stuck

I'm feeling out of it.

Today, at church, I started to cry.  Tears welled in my eyes as the words, "My Jesus Saves" were shown on the screen.  I was holding Samuel.  His little head was nestled in my shoulder. Safe.

It was too close.


I don't know if I was running on adrenaline or what, but all of a sudden today I find myself completely exhausted.  Every cell seems to scream for rest. But, when I sit still I find my mind racing.

Did it really happen?

Yet, in my purse, there in a tiny medical Ziploc bag, is a pink star. A reminder.  I need to let it go.  Not the star -- I'm saving that for him -- but the worry and fear.  It's like my mind is wrestling with the what-if's when he's upstairs sleeping soundly.  I wonder why our minds do that.  Is is just a part of dealing with things?  Wondering? Reliving the days?

I just need to move forward.

But, I feel stuck.  Every cough, every wheeze (he's still wheezing -- especially when he rests), every bit of drool causes me to worry.

Maybe I need to actually deal with this.

I'm such a person who likes to push through things -- move on -- you know, pull up my boot-straps -- toughen up.  Yet, I'm beginning to suspect that I need to remember.  To process.  To let go. And in the release there is praise. Samuel is safe.  The Lord has his life etched on His palm.  I am blessed and honored to be his mother.  In all times -- good and bad.  Honestly, when I was attempting to rest with him at the first hospital I kept thinking about how I was so grateful that I could be with him.  That I could comfort him, rub his back, and sing to him.  When the nurses brought him back after his surgery he reached for me.  That was the first time he's ever done that -- and I ran to him.  Literally.  I scooped him in my arms and let his sweet little head burrow into my chest.  And I held him.  Close.

So today I write.  I write about how I'm feeling weepy despite the goodness.  I write about feeling stuck on what happened last week despite it being Sunday. I am so grateful for Samuel.  I am so grateful for his life.  I am so grateful.  I write today, not because of not being grateful, but just because of those emotions that simply cannot seem to settle.  And in that writing -- I slowly am finding freedom.  A freedom to be real, to process and to move forward.  Maybe dealing with it allows me to heal. To keep walking.